Why the Obesity Epidemic is Like Modern Art
PETA: You’re fat because you eat meat. We can cure fat by making meat-eating illegal.
ENVIRONMENTALISTS: You’re fat because you drive everywhere instead of bike. We can cure fat with higher gas prices.
LOCALVORES: You’re fat because you eat fast food and over-processed junk instead of cook with local ingredients. We can cure fat by taxing fast food and processed food, and by subsidizing local farms.
ACADEMICS: You’re fat because you’re not educated enough. We can cure fat with widespread campaigns teaching people what to eat and how much to exercise.
INTERVENTIONISTS: You’re fat because bad food and gas is too cheap and poor neighborhoods are too unregulated. We can cure fat with tougher zoning laws and price regulation.
PUBLIC TRANSPORT FANS: You’re fat because you drive everywhere. If you used public transport you’d burn those extra calories taking stairs from train levels and walking to your train/bus stop. We can cure fat by expanding public transportation options.
WALKING/BIKING/RUNNING FANS: You’re fat because you sit on a bus, then sit at a desk, then sit at home. We can cure fat by building more bike lanes, walking trails, and parks.
LIBERTARIANS: You’re fat because you lack personal responsibility. We can cure fat by engendering a sense of individual pride in people.
RELIGIOUS FOLKS: You’re fat because you display the sin of greed. We can cure fat by teaching our children the correct values.
POLITICIANS: You’re fat because the previous administration didn’t care about the health of the nation and the costs of healthcare. You can cure fat (and save the economy!) by voting for me.
EMPLOYERS: You’re fat because you have a poor work ethic. We can cure fat by refusing to hire fat people, thus forcing them to lose weight in order to get a job.
